Dated 14-May-2009

What am I doing here,
In this office?
With plots, and plans
And data and calculations
Dry and life-sucking
Like a hungry tick on my soul
I’m using all that math
You never thought you’d use
When you learned it in school
I can’t complain too much
The hours are low
The pay is high
The work is easy, in its way
But it’s not me.
Ok, so it’s a part of me
I have to admit that
But it’s not all of me
And the other part has been slipping away
The part with the ink
The piercings
The cursing, the drinking
The FUCK YOU!
Fuck you, fuck me
I want it back
But really, Is it worth getting back
And giving up the comfort
The security
The ease
Where is the middle road?
Where is the punk rock corporate Buddha
To take me by the hand
And lead me through the dharma gates
Of art and science and life and work?
What direction do I go?
When all I have is right here
Really,
That’s all any of us has,
Right here
Right now,
Right THIS.

Dated 14-May-2009

I walk around
In my father’s shoes
I drink my coffee
I read the news

I give good advice,
‘Cause I know what’s best
I’m never wrong
And quick with a jest

I love all my children,
Each one is a joy
From my darling daughter
To each of my boys

I grateful I’m married,
And dote on my wife,
My darling, my dream
My dearest, my life.

I walk around
In my father’s shoes
Drinking my beer
Pass out where I choose

I don’t want to hear it
Your fears or you doubt
“LEAVE ME ALONE”
I scream and I shout

My kids are all brats
All whiny and tears
I teach them a lesson
My belt to their rears

My wife is a nag
My manhood she shreds
We scream and we fight
When the kids are in bed

I walk around
In my very own shoes
The life that I lead
Is the life that I choose.

Dated 13-May-2009

I do not know my sister
We haven’t spoken in years
We haven’t seen each other
For more
I do know her name
And her middle name
I no longer know her last

I know she has children
Three
Whom I also don’t know
Melissa, Brian and Kristin
I’m not sure her name’s Kristin
But I know there is a third child
A daughter

My nieces fight with my sister
The way my sister
Fought with my mother
The way my mother
Fought with my grandmother
And I assume the same went-on
For generations

I don’t remember her birthday
It’s sometime in the summer
Or her anniversary
Or when she got divorced
After finding out her husband was having an affair
With a girl of eighteen
Younger than her oldest daughter

I don’t know when she decided to become a lesbian
And move in with her first lover Morgan
Or when that relationship self-destructed
Like all her other relationships
Striving for a connection with another
And failing miserably
Time and again

I do not know my sister,
But she is my sister
So I KNOW her.
We have the same blood
Exposure to the same toxic upbringing
But we survived, So I know her
But I do not know HER

Dated 10-May-2009

What is the past tense of had?
What lies beyond the longing and the desire
For the things that have been lost
And taken away and discarded
But not forgotten.

What is the past tense of had?
Regret, loneliness and fear
A spot in your soul left void
Anxiety over never again
Possessing what was once had,
Even with the full knowledge
It was empty grasping
From the beginning

What is the past tense of had?
Healing and recovery
The past tense of had is truth.

Dated 10-February-2009

It felt like taking off a jacket
That’s what it felt like when I let go
Like taking off a jacket.
It was cold in the morning
So I put on my jacket and went about my life
But the day warmed up
And I didn’t take off my jacket
The heat built up inside the layers
Slowly
Unnoticed
Becoming stiflingly uncomfortable
But I still didn’t take off my jacket.
Then there was the epiphany
A thump on the head
The obligatory “duh”
I’m wearing a jacket
And it’s uncomfortable
So I took off the jacket
That’s what it felt like when I let go
Like taking off a jacket

I was still uncomfortable when I let go
The built up heat of the past still clung to my body
The sweat was still dripping down my brow
The energy was still dissipating
Letting go isn’t like a light switch
There isn’t a “click” and everything’s bright all at once
Letting go is like taking off a jacket
The realization is that you still wearing it
That’s all
You still have to take it off
And cool off
And acclimate to the new temperature without the jacket
That’s what letting go is like
It’s not BANG
It’s ahhhhh
It’s relaxation
It’s cooling off and letting go of the heat
The uncomfortable
Sweaty
Stifling
Heat

And allowing the cool breeze of freedom
To caress your skin

Dated 18-January-2009

Lady, you are brought so low
Victimized, raped, tortured
Made mute and dumb
Left not even with your hands
To plead for hope
Your tears your only release.

All that you stand for stained
All you represent debased
All you hold dear defiled
Who has had
so little respect
For what you are?

Acts of the patriot have brought you down
Acts of the patriot have raped you
Acts of the patriot taken you hands
Acts of the patriot has stolen your tongue.

Acts of the patriot
Wolves have been better dressed as sheep.

Lavinia knows your pain,
She knows you suffer
She knows you weep
She knows your soul dies

Where is your Titus to bring revenge
Against the unjust rulers?
Where is the father brought to insanity
In pain over his daughter’s torture and rape?

Titus has passed away too soon
Laid to rest in a berth of passivity
Complacence
And apathy.

Time shall be you only succor lady liberty
No justice shall be done
against the emperor and his children.
Stand tall lady liberty
For one day you shall be healed
Or we shall all follow in your wake.

Dated 17-January-2009

The waves are breaking
Upon the blood red sunset shores;
Laying to rest the day
That haunts me like a dream.
Bits and pieces
No coherent whole
Floating in the air
Like bits of feather
Trying to grab them
Sends their flight erratic

Dated 15-October-2008

Scraping.
Scraping.
It’s dark here in the barrel’s bottom.
It’s kind of dirty, too;
There’s some slime.
No wonder no one wants
To root around down here.
UGHH!
What was that?
I have no idea.
I’ll just leave it alone.
By the way
Can someone throw me a rope?
And pull me out of here?
I don’t want to be here anymore.

Life Line

Dated 15-October-2008

Can someone please
Throw me a rope?

It can be a thread
For all It matters.

As long as someone
Cares enough to throw it.