Missing you

Dated 15 April 2001

==========

Sitting alone in the darkness,
Candle burning bright,
Alone.
I think of you,
Your body and sole,
I Cry.
It’s been only two weeks,
But feels like forever,
My body still yearns,
For the warmth of your touch.
I want the earth to open her arms
And release you from her embrace.
If you can hear me,
I want you to know I love you,
And always will.
‘Til we meet again.

Mother

Originally Dated 8-APRIL-2001

===========

As I drag your corpse across the floor,
Thinking of what I’ve done,
Nothing too drastic,
Nothing severe,
Justifiable for what I’ve dealt with,
Year after year.

 

I always did love you,
In fact I still do,
But you’ve driven me to this,
You shrieking, bitch, shrew.

 

The hole that I dug you,
Just under the stair,
Its spacious and roomy,
It shows I still care.

 

Finally,
Peace,
In the house where I grew,
Mother,
Without you,
I know not what to do.

 

Father’s there also,
For five years at least,
Put there by mother,
After thanksgiving feast.

 

One big happy family,
In the basement so deep,
Lying contented,
In permanent sleep.

Schizophrenic Blues

Originally Dated 18-October-2000

==================================

I got all these voices,
inside a my head,
and they keep a screaming
that they want you dead

I got the blues
the madhouse
schizophrenic
blues

they tell me kill ya,
and butcher ya right
and that I should have ya
for dinner tonight

I got the blues
the cannibal
schizophrenic
blues

my voices are friendly,
good comp’ny all day,
they tell me some good jokes,
and than who to slay,

I got the blues
the joking
schizophrenic
blues

so leave me alone
so than I can’t gloat
if my voices don’t know ya
I won’t slit your throat

I got the blues
the bloody
schizophrenic
blues

the madhouse, cannibal, joking, bloody
making soufflé outta my buddy
knifes to axes, using ’em all
leaving the entrails in the hall

fucking
schizophrenic
BLUUUESSSSS!!!!!!!

===============================

While maybe not politically correct, this is not an attack on anyone’s mental health issues. Nor is it an admission to any of my own.

Don’t Call Me Brother

I don’t understand the habit of calling someone “brother” to indicate a more important type of friendship.  I mean, logically I do.  I know what the relationship between brother supposed to be.  Emotionally, though… nope, I don’t get it.  In fact, calling me “brother” sort of makes me cringe a little on the inside.

Let me start the explanation with, I did not like my brothers.  I use the past tense since they have all passed.  In their own ways, all three of my brothers were kind of awful people in my opinion.  If they were not related to me, they were people I’d have actively avoided.  And before each of them passed, I was actively avoiding them.  Again – each for their own set of reasons.  Though, the common thread was a lack of respect for me and any sort of boundaries.

I am not going to bad mouth my brothers any more than I have, but they have completely soured the concept of brother for me.  I have had a few friends who I have were probably the closest thing I’ve ever had to a brother, meaning what brother is supposed to be.  My actual brothers were not anything like what a “brother” is supposed to be. 

I’m envious of people who have great relationships with their brothers; I never did.

If people do call me “brother” to indicate they feel close to me, I accept it as they mean it.  I know what they are trying to say even if the word they choose is sort of a foreign concept to me.

Untitled

The sun has set,

My jammies are on,

A hot cup of tea sits to my left.

The puppy is asleep in his crate,

My partner is playing spooky games,

The lights are turned low,

To set the mood for them both.

There is no fomo,

There is no yolo,

This is where I want to be,

This is who I am,

And whom I want to be with.

Happy Soltice.

Happy Yule.

Enjoy the dark and keep warm.