Dated 30-March-2005

My emails smiled at me stupidly. They’ve been sitting in my in-box for a week and I’ve been ignoring them. They have yet to go away. Maybe tomorrow I’ll answer them. I feel a little guilty about not dropping at least a little line to the writers of these missives. But with a few clicks there’s a new world and the guilt disappears almost as fast as my monitor changes images.

I dive into myself trying to hide as the phone rings. Once, twice, three times; I let it ring. On the fourth ring, I turn the speakers on my PC down and listen to the answering machine.

Coming through the machine tinny 2″ speaker is my friend Laura’s voice. This is surprisingly one of the calls I want to take. I generally regard phones as evil and avoid using them when I can.

I grab the receiver off my desk, hitting the eerie green button. “Hey babe!”

“Hey, Petey, how’s it going?”

“Uhh, pretty good. I’m just sitting here cruising the net; you?”

“Just finished some yoga and thought of you…” From here the conversation is pretty much about nothing. I try to do things while on the phone, but it’s all pretty useless. I’m retarded when it comes to telephones. If I try to do anything else; I lose all trace of the conversation. I end up lying on my bed staring up at the ceiling fan.

I miss Laura a lot. She was my best friend and still is even over all the distance. We had such similar styles and tastes without being anything alike: Shakespeare and pizza, Kevin Smith and Bordeaux, beer and chain smoking until last call. COCK-PORN. Which really isn’t porn, but a super-spoonerism of POP-CORN I accidentally said before we saw a movie once. A Kevin Smith film actually, Dogma. I remember the Platypus Line.

Laura and I also shared a love of books, writing and long boring marathons of British Television: “I, Claudius” and “A History of England”. I’m glad Laura’s and my genders are romantically non-functional, with us both liking penises, because we probably would have tried dating, and I’d have hated that to fuck up our friendship.

Laura and I have been through a lot together. Like when she quit her job and was depressed and I started spending money like a congressman with a budget, bad relationships, good relationships and common friendships.

Then I moved to Texas for love and money. Both, for the most part, are working out. I am still in love and that’s going better than any relationship I’ve ever had. I’m still living paycheck to paycheck though. But now there’s a mortgage and a feasible end to my other debt. Its a good feeling.

Laura is about the only thing I really miss about moving; her and my other friends. Everything else was really just memories, history and perceptions; all illusions in the whole Buddhist scheme of things.

“Well, Petey, it’s getting late up here, I should turn in.”

“Same here. I have things to do before I turn in. Night babe.”

“Night Petey, talk to you later, Pets the dogs and kiss Thieu for me.”

As I hang up the phone, a feeling on loneliness comes over me. I miss Laura. I walk into the living room ands see Otis in the hall. His big golden eyes stare up at me from his big lab face. “Hey Otis.” and his tail thumps into the wall. I bend down and pet his chocolate coat. The fur is soft and warm under my fingers, like the feeling of a favorite stuffed animal from my youth.

In the living room, Oscar is sleeping on the sofa. He looks up at me as I walk to the couch. “Hey Squirt”. His little rotti nub wags a mile-a-minute. I sit on the sofa next to him and lie down, using him as a pillow. I feel his nubbin rub against my shoulder as I pet his course black coat.

From the other room, I hear T shout. He’s watching some sporting event. I get up from the sofa and walk into the library. Thieu sits on the futon grabbing the green sheet we use as a cover. I guess something exciting is happening. I stand next to him and gently scratch the back of his head. Trying not to disturb his game too much. when the next commercial comes on i lean down and kiss him. “Night honey”.

He looks surprised “you’re going to bed already? What time is it?”

“It’s only 9:30, I’m just tired.”

“O-Kay. I’ll be in after the game.” I lean down and kiss him again as the commercials ends and he turns back to the game. “Night…”

I go back to the bedroom and crawl into the sheets. Thoughts of Laura fill my head, and the dogs and T. I’m filled with sweet sadness as I miss Laura and love my new life. Sleep creeps up on me and steals my thoughts as I drift off.

Started 16-March-2017 (first and last stanzas)
Finished 12-July-2026

Come here my son and let me tell you
of the world today
The horrors that you hear a bout
are here and here to stay

The charlatans and tricksters who
will lead you far astray
The liars and the cheaters who
your heart will surely flay

The crooks and thieves and swindlers
who on you will try to prey
The petty slights and subtle wrongs
that slowly chip away.

And try to rob you of your soul
and sweet naivete
Just hold on tight and be yourself,
things might just be ok.

It will not be ‘til you are old
that you’ll feel this dismay
But it will start, sooner than not,
but maybe not today.

Now go my son and see the world
but heed you what I say.
Go run a long out with your friends
to run and shout and play

Dated 25-March-2011

I want this taint removed,
The stain of grief and life and age
Returned to youthful ignorance
Damage healed, scars erased,
Returned to ignorance of life

Dated 6-March-2010

The Cycles come together
Chains are what they make

Chains that bind
Chains that choke
Chains that blind
It’s time they’re broke

It’s time to stop the cycle
It’s time for the chains to break

Dated 9-February-2009

I have always found it easy to be a martyr
First of all I don’t NEED to deal with the problem
I plant my feet
I let what happens happen
I let the bad wash over me like a wave

Secondly I get to play the pity card
Oh, people of the world feel sorry for
See what has been done to me
The pain that has been heaped upon me
See me, feel me, touch me, heal me

Wait,
Skip that last part
Don’t heal me
If I’m healed you won’t feel sorry for me
You won’t love me
You won’t see the sad little boy who needs a hug

Thirdly I get to sit with myself righteousness
This was done TO me
AGAINST me
Inflicted UPON me
I couldn’t save myself
(Wouldn’t)
[Shouldn’t]
I’m in the right and I have been wronged
I have been hurt
I have been slammed

All I had to do in the first place was walk away
All I had to do was say “NO”
All I had to do was say “I don’t want this”
All I had to do was something.

But then, I wouldn’t be the martyr
You wouldn’t feel sorry for me
You wouldn’t offer me love and support
You wouldn’t be my friend

Without my pain
Or self-righteousness
To keep me company
I’d be alone

Dated 27-January-2009

you are like the moon
phases comes, phases go
waxing and waning
full to new to full

make up your mind you lunatic

Dated 19-January-2009

I’m tired of you
I’m tired of giving you power
I’m tired of you still being in control
Even after 2 years

You tried to destroy me
But I am still here
You tried to undo me
But I have put myself back together

I am better
I am stronger
I am smarter
I am the six million dollar fucking man
Reassembled
After the shit storm crash
That was you and I

It’s over
You’re done
You’re shit
I’m wiping you off my shoe

Breathing a sigh of relief
I look forward to the new days
The new ways
In which I am living my life
Safe
Secure
And best of all
ME.

Dated 5-November-2008

I am dancing,
though not in the streets
I am dancing,
though the tune’s bitter sweet
I am dancing
for hope and for change
I am dancing
a bright future’s in range

I am dancing
but the dance won’t last long
I am dancing
We’ll need to be strong

There’s a battle ahead
and the fight’s up steep hills
There’s a battle ahead
and we’ll need out steeled wills

there’s a battle ahead
for both right and good
there’s a battle ahead
against greed and falsehood

But now I’m dancing
for we now might advance
But now I’m dancing
For at least there’s a chance