Dated 14-September-2006

negative thoughts are creeping into my head
doubts, deprecation and depression
eating the edges of everything enlightened
is this the down-ward cycle again taking hold
is it the tailspin the precedes the fall
or do I just need a nap?

Dated 09-October-2006

Take away the obstacles
Exorcise the demons
And shed light upon the shadows
Smooth my scars
Soothe my wounds
And wipe away my tears
Bring back the joy
Return the glittering eyed laugh of a child
Let me relax and simply let me be
And allow me to enjoy my life

Dated 16-March-2007

I want to burn a book,
not any particular tome,
just a book.
I want to watch as the pages blacken
and curl
and burn.
I want to watch as the words disappear
into the dark gray
of the smoldering pages.
I want to watch as the author’s words
ride the smoke to obscurity
and oblivion.
Is it just burning a thing:
paper and ink and glue?
Is it heresy:
the destruction of ideas
and thoughts?
It’s only a book,
there are many more out there.
But is it ever only a book?

Dated 1-September-2006

your beliefs about me
have nothing to do with me
they are not me
they are not my thoughts
they are not my deeds

when talking about your beliefs of me
using the words “admit it”
make sure your beliefs are never about me
no, that’s not what I did
“ADMIT IT”
no, that’s not what I think
“ADMIT IT”
no, that’s not how I feel
“ADMIT IT”

“ADMIT IT”
“ADMIT IT”
“ADMIT IT”
Ok, I admit it,
but my admission is a lie
I admit it only to shut you up
and because the truth is not what you want
you only want the vindication
of your beliefs

your beliefs about me
have nothing to do with me
you made up you mind without consulting me
or thinking of me
your beliefs about me
are completely about you

Dated 24-August-2006

I am the child,
I am the adult
I am the psycho
I am the one in control
I am the one who is lost
I am the sinner
I am the saint

I am all this

but I’m describing the painting
by naming the colors

Dated 27-February-2007
(I have no clear memory of these events)

This missive comes to you from Starbucks while a real estate agent shows my house.

The short of it:

I had a good time.  I had my boundaries set in my mind and I was willing to stand up for them and uphold them.  I was only accosted once, and I handled in a way I am VERY proud of.  I think I got a sinus infection from all the leather queens smoking their cheap-assed stanky cigars though.  Its SOOOO fucking gross a habit, especially since its part of a fetish so they just seem to buy the cheapest monkey-turd cigars they can find.

The long of it

What can be said about the weekend? To blatantly steal, from Dickens I believe, “It was the best of times; it was the worst of times.”  I decided to go to the party I previously spoke of AND to the bars with my friends Friday night.  I went with the intention of having a good time and not letting things get to me.  I was going to have a good time – and I did.

The party was ok.  There were people there that I wanted to speak with, and I had a good time speaking to them.  The people who I found icky I ignored and put them put of my mind as best I could. 

I also perfected the one arm hug block.  As people I didn’t want to hug came in for one, I would wrap my arm around their arm and rest my hand on their shoulder.  This kept them at and arm distance and allowed no more than their hand to pat my shoulder.  It was sweet.

After the party we went to a bar called Mary’s.  Mary’s is a leather bar, so by definition not my scene.  I had a good time though.  I met a few friends of Jeff and Dean and Thieu.  At one point Jeff and I were told that a group of guys had taken a vote and that Jeff was hot.  Jeff, may he break a nail, brought ME into it and asked what they thought of me.  I point blank looked at Jeff and said, “Don’t bring me into this.”  The damage was sorrowfully done; I was on their radar. 

I was told I was attractive, but I needed to turn around to see my ass.  My response to this was “That costs Extra.”  This got a laugh but one of the guys started talking of being a whore.  I was already over it by this point.  I walked away after one went in for a fake hug but sneaked a peak at my ass.  Of course, he said it was nice, but FEH!

Another instance, while I was talking to Dean, a guy interrupted me and said, “what was your name again?”  I said “Petey”, not being hip to this particular line on a personal level.  He then introduced me to his three friends.  I made my greetings; forgot their names faster than they told them to me and turned my back to them all to continue speaking to Dean. 

I asked Dean a few minutes later if I were overly rude?  He said “no, that interrupted [me] in the first place.”  Also, now that I take another look at the situation, I was sort of tricked into giving my name, so I don’t think they were owed any courtesy anyway.

I spoke with a guy for a while and noticed that Jeff, Dean and Thieu were nowhere to be seen.  I called Thieu when the guy went to the bathroom.  “Where are you guys?”  Thieu told me that left because they thought I was trying to get with the guy.  I told Thieu I was most definitely NOT trying to get with him or anyone else for that matter.  Granted, I was having dinner with this guy the next night, but I said I’d only have dinner understanding that it was ONLY as friends and that I wasn’t looking for ANYTHING.

As we were all standing there, the reek of cigar smoke was unavoidable.  This is scary since we were outside.  Also, we saw someone we knew getting a blow job not 10 feet from us in the middle of the crowd.  It was like a car wreck, a really bloody one.  I was completely nauseated but kept peaking.  Luckily, I’d had enough to drink by that point that most of those neurons did not survive the weekend.

After Mary’s we made a quick tour of The Mining Company and JR’s.  Neither of these places were anywhere near as busy as we expected.  After a lap of each to see if there was anyone to say hello to, we went to the Ripcord.  THIS is where everyone was.  The place was packed to the gills.

We got a round of drinks and than forced our way out back to the patio.  On the way, a man walking in the opposite direction took it upon himself to accost me start rubbing my belly.  I grabbed his hand and just flung it off to the side like a I would if an insect landed on me.  They were both mindless pests and deserved to be treated the same.

We didn’t make it long on the porch, basically long enough to finish our drinks.  On the way out we saw another person getting a blowjob right there in public.  I think I made audible gagging sounds.  One of my friends apparently commented on how small the guy’s dick was which made him pull his pants back up.  LOL!!!  I love it.  After a late gorging at What-a-burger it was off to sleep.

My dinner on Saturday, let’s see: sushi, coffee at Starbucks, conversation and still no desire to get into a relationship anytime in the foreseeable future.  Still no desire to get into anyone pants even.  He was a nice guy but is not someone to make me change my mind.  Even if I weren’t so firm on being single for a while – he’s not someone I’d pursue.  I know it sounds harsh, but I won’t date someone that does the bear-circuit thing.  It’s not something I ever have any desire to do and I don’t think it fair to ask someone I would date to stop going.

Sunday was shopping and open housing with my friend Jeff to start looking for my next house after I win lottery.