Dated 28-June-2007

“I am responsible for my own happiness.” Truer words have never been spoken. I believe in them whole-heartedly. It is the rallying cry of the souls on the path to self-discovery and mental health. It is also the delusional cry of the self-centered and mentally ill.

I feel it to be a truth that each person is responsible for his or her own happiness. How many times do people feel let down when others don’t live up to their expectations. Your love is supposed to make you happy, your spouse and your friends. So much weight is put on the shoulders of other to make life bearable for us, is it a wonder when they collapse under the weight, as we collapse under the weight other put on us.

All these expectations and we feel betrayed when the people in our support system commit the ultimate sin: being human. Think about it, WE have a hard enough time making ourselves happy yet all these other people expect to make them happy. We also expect these others to make US happy.

Do these people really have it so much better than we that they have the ability to manage our lives? I really think not. Everyone has their own trials, tribulations, heartaches and just everyday bullshit to deal with. We add to the pile expecting them to manage our happiness as well.

Well, stop. Just stop. It may seem selfish at first. We were raised that way, but stop trying to make other people happy. You can’t. You can work yourself into a nervous breakdown trying to make a miserable person happy, but if they will most likely remain miserable because for whatever reason – that’s where they want to be. Maybe not consciously, but they want to be there. So unless you are getting pain by the hour – stop.

Now there are caveats to this motto. For starters, and to be blunt, making you happy doesn’t mean act like a selfish prick. Do not walk on the backs of others to get on top. Responsibility for your own happiness comes with some compassion to not make others unhappy.

I personally find having happy people around me (or at least not unhappy people) makes me happier. Happiness is something that can feed off itself and the happiness of others to grow into something larger than the start.

To be responsible for your own happiness means avoiding those things making you unhappy. If certain people make you want to slash your wrists – avoid them. Avoid situations that bring you down when you can. Do the things that make you happy – I mean really happy.

Aversion tactics like drinking yourself into oblivion and doping yourself numb aren’t true happiness generators. I refuse to debate the point either. My mind will never be changed on the topic. I try not to judge those who indulge and I’d be a hypocrite if I did.

Now, speaking of the drinking and drugs and other aversion tactics, these seem to be the hallmark of the people who abuse the happiness battle cry. These people think that since they are responsible for their own happiness they can do what ever they want. This is true – if they lived on a desert island by themselves.

A person’s actions directly affect the lives of their loved ones, friends and people in their general vicinity. This goes against the compassionate part of responsibility. Doing stupid things harms a person – which is pretty much the opposite of happiness. People will take this battle cry as an excuse to act out the same destructive behaviors over and over under the guise of seeking happiness, but it is simply a justification for acting out their damage.

I have a feeling these people truly don’t know what happiness is. Well, I think most people don’t know, but these people aren’t even in the same zip code. How can a person who doesn’t have the tiniest clue as to what happiness is be responsible for his or her own happiness? It’s like putting someone with absolutely no knowledge of children in charge of an infant.

“I am responsible for my own happiness.” These are words to live by for every man and woman. But we need to know what the words actually mean. Many of us don’t, and sadly some don’t even want to know. Keep learning. Keep searching. Happiness is something that changes as we grow. It’s not a destination, it’s a journey; but we can still get lost. Make sure you have a map or at least a compass before your start out. Be responsible for your own happiness, and be responsible.

This is a re-posting of the same bit I wrote on June 28th, 2007.  It is, in my opinion, one of my better pieces so I wanted to set it out here again.  I still don’t see this as a “complete” essay; there is room for tweaking and refining – but it expresses the thoughts I wanted to share.  The piece itself was inspired by the actions of an ex-boyfriend of mine.  He was in therapy because, in his words “I don’t treat you as well as you deserve”.  How well I deserved to be treated is up for debate, but I don’t think I was treated at all well. 

At one point during his therapy, he heard the phrase “you are responsible for your own happiness.”  He couldn’t wait to share this enlightenment, this epiphany, this profound new way of looking at life, this complete and utter disaster waiting to happen.

He took this as his cue to quit therapy, because he was responsible for his own happiness.  He took this as his cue to do what ever he pleased, regardless of the consequences, because he was responsible for his own happiness.  Subsequently, I was treated far worse than I was before he went to therapy and was more miserable than I had ever been in my life. This is what caused me to look at the phrase “I am responsible for my own happiness” and realize it is utterly true.  There just happens to be a lot of responsibility associated with caring for your happiness.  Responsibility for your happiness is like responsibility for a child.  It takes respect, dedication and nurturing for it to grow up well.