This is either the third or fourth attempt I’ve made at a blog – even more if you go back in time and take LiveJournal into account (no worries if you’ve never heard of it). I’ve scrapped this site several times. There was no loss of interest in blogging, there was only insecurity around it. Feelings of not being good enough and not having a voice anyone would care about.
Those feelings are still there as I fire this up once again. I need to stop the cycle of desire and self-doubt and just “drudge through the drudgery to find the joy on the other side” – to quote Joshua Fields Millburn of the Minimalists.
I may very well NOT have a voice anyone cares about. There is not control I have over that. Only will tell one way or the other. A guaranteed way to make sure I don’t have a voice is to not speak. I need to get my words out there and maybe they’ll resonate, maybe they won’t. To get them resonating more I just need to get better at how I craft and share them.
This leads to the second point: I may very well suck at it. Most people DO suck at what they first start doing – it’s why we practice. The old saying is wrong by the way, practice does not make perfect. Practice DOES make better, though. I’ll never get better if I don’t do it – it will just sit in my head as an unfulfilled desire. Those get frustrating after a while.
Both conclusions are that I need to keep writing and sharing. I need to get the words out there for myself. This is ultimately for my exploration and benefit. Please keep reading if you like or not if it doesn’t strike your interest.
I can only say that I will endeavor to keep at and try to grow. I may or may not succeed – but that’s true of any venture.
I used to say that I suffered from a stunted Fight-or-Flight instinct. I’d get into a situation where my anxiety would peak and couldn’t fight (as it’s generally not the right solution) or flee (there usually being nowhere to flee to or doing so would cause a fight); I would freeze. I’d just stand in place as the actions triggering my anxiety roiled around me. I thought this was a short circuit for years.
I was working on this when I was informed that my understanding of the mechanism was incomplete. The full mechanism being Fight-Flight-OR-Freeze. It wasn’t a short circuit; it was the third option that I never knew existed. This gave me new things to work on and it actually helped. Knowing that the reaction wasn’t the issue gave me more clarity and better ability to work on the real issues.
Today I’ve had another epiphany about my anxiety.
I will sometimes get agitated or angry in a conversation. This will involve stating my stance over and over because I “don’t feel heard”. While this is sometimes true, I think many more times it’s because I’m not actually expressing what I’m trying to say. I present my argument as a personal fact that I want someone else to agree with. In reality, this a cover-up for fear that I’m unwilling to admit or face.
It came up today regarding employment and corporate culture. I was presented with a scenario to explore and I was pushing back on it saying “I have never seen this in my experience”, “No company I have ever worked with has done this” and similar arguments. This was all done under the guise of “not being heard”.
In reality, what I was trying to convey is that I am afraid to explore this. If I do it will expose me to my employers as being gay. If they know I’m gay they will fire me faster than it took them to hire me.
In the conversation, I was being heard. I just wasn’t saying what I needed to really say. I need to learn not to fear expressing my fear.