Dated 30-June-2007

I was asked if I enjoyed getting older this past weekend.  In all honesty it was just another day.  I even forgot the date Sunday as I was filling out a form, and Sunday WAS my birthday.  I have never really been hung up on numbers.  I know people dread the 5’s and the 10’s, but except for the magic of 18 where you can vote and receive adult status and 21 where you can by your own alcohol, it’s all just another day.

I don’t even know most of my friends’ ages.  I have realized that when I am conscious of a person’s age, it means we are on different levels and probably won’t ever really connect, as friends or anything else.  When I connect with truly connect with someone they become “same” to me, when I don’t, they remain “different”.

While I loved Eric – he was always “younger” and I was always saying to myself I needed to be the mature one or the one in control.  There was always a dynamic of “different”; in this case it was definitely the age difference.

I don’t want a father/son dynamic in my relationships.  Well, honestly, I DID want it, but not consciously.  I guess I was somehow trying to make up for my dad being such a non-entity for most of my childhood.  By being a “better dad”, I could show him up and set myself up as better than he.  I already know that, so why act out all this drama?  Therapy can do wonderful things.

I, like most people, subconsciously search for what I’m missing.  There are voids left in childhood that we seek to have filled.  The thing is, only WE can fill them now, though we constantly expect others to do it for us.  The best other can do is put on a cast – we still need to do the healing.

It leads to relationships.  A truly healthy relationship works if both people enter into it as pre-existing whole people, not as two incomplete shells looking for someone else to make them whole.  My friend Jericho says back yard burials make relationships work, while backyard burials are SOOO convenient for SOOO many thing, I’ll stick with “two whole people.”

I look at Jerry McGuire now and the line “you…  complete me” is SUCH a crock of shit.  I’m not saying that two incomplete people can’t make it work, but they both have to let the other grow and be mature about it and actually need to let each other HEAL.  It seems to usually end up in anger because someone isn’t “living up to expectations.”  What is it:  co-dependant rage?

Now, if I can only put my mastery of psychobabble to use for good instead of evil.

I’m seriously thinking I don’t want to date anymore:  I think I may stop.  Gay men, in general, seem immature and overly damaged with no desire to fix said damage.  The over glorification of youth (50 year olds at a rave) or the over glorification of sex is just not my thing, and it seems to be what “gay culture” is based on.  No one wants to fix anything:  they just want to white wash it with fashion, drugs and sex.

I think the idea is to “think outside the para-dig-em”.  I’ve been trying to create my own paradigm for years.  I’m not gay enough to be gay and suck too much dick to be straight.  I don’t quite feel a part of either “world” so I have been constantly creating my own for like 15 years now.  Its tiring, and with my borders being so fluid, I find myself easily swayed from the course <b>I</b> want to the course of the person I want to be with.  My friend  Blackie said that being single is the best way to find ones self.  I’m all about that these days.

Homo-dom, you have had your chance:  I’m officially giving up on you as we have apparently found each other mutually lacking.