Under Construction

607490368I have given people a reason to turn away from me over the years.  Sadly, some of the people I love the most are the ones I have given the most reasons to.  Ironically, it is the fact that I loved them that I was able to be such an asshole. The love gave me a sense of security, the sense of security allowed me to drop walls and dropping too many walls lets the asshole out; add alcohol and asshole is polite.

None of these people deserved my behavior, in fact they deserved it the least.  For my actions I truly apologize to them all.  For staying by me, for their patience as I try to fix myself and for looking past my sometimes wonky-brain to the person I am when things are actually working these people will have my everlasting devotion and friendship.

As for my short-circuiting brain, it’s no fun for me either.  Nothing good comes of them; they usually pull me away from the emotional need I’m trying to get met in the first place.  Not only I the original need not getting met, now I have a whole lot of other garbage (that I made) to cleanup, too.  It’s very counterproductive.

I’m working on it again, though.  I’m seeing a therapist again to help me with my anxiety.  I’m also trying to reincorporate a meditation practice into my routine.  There are other strategies that I am working on with my therapist to help my anxiety: sleep patterns, diet, exercise – things like that.  These are habits to help with my self-esteem which should help with the anxiety:  a lot of my anxiety is over self-worth and insecurity.

The people who have stuck by me and my friends deserve the best me I can be.  That meme about “not accepting me at my worst means they don’t deserve me at my best” is utter bullshit!  I need to strive to be my best for the people in my life at all times and consider myself LUCKY when they stick around me at my worst.

My brain needs one of those “under construction” holders.  Everyone knows my brain is there but there are bits that are trying to be improved.  Please pardon my appearance while under construction.

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